The Parody of Romeo and Juliet
by Erilis
Summary: Shakespeare's greatest tale of love and tragedy is now retold for the ages in this spoof. Beware the Ides of Oprah..... Oh wait, that's a different work... Well, you get it.
1. Daaaa Bears

**_A/N: Well, y'all, this is my official spoof of William Shakespeare's famous play, _Romeo and Juliet_. I hope you enjoy this, as it has been a real pleasure to write. Well, on with the spoof!_**

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Romeo and Juliet. If I did... well, I wouldn't be alive right now, would I?_**

**The Parody of Romeo and Juliet**

_Prologue_

**Mercutio's Women: **Once upon a time, in fair Verona, there lived two families. Their lineage would give birth to a pair of star-crossed lovers, who would see past each others' faults and flaws to find true love. Now, that's not going to be easy, considering the morals and values of their families…

_Show Montague and Capulet with two scantily dressed ladies. Cue "Baby Got Back" as they begin to wave money around._

… This aside, let us now venture into their lives, and experience the tragedy _pause and edit _the parody of Romeo and Juliet.

**Act I Scene i**

_Enter Barney and Billy, servants of Montague._

**Billy: **I say where has that rotten Tybalt gotten to? If I ever find that blasted Montague…

**Barney:** You mean Capulet.

**Billy: **I said Capulet.

**Barney:** No, you said Montague.

**Billy: **Man, whatevs! Mercutio's little lady told us he went this way, so we're going this way!

**Barney: **I didn't say we weren't…

**Billy: **What were we talking about?

**Barney: --**_sighs-- _Never mind. Hey, didn't Mercutio's lady friend look a little… oh, I dunno…

**Billy: **There's something I'd say right now but there might be virgin ears listening.

**Barney: **Humph, at least you have some discretion… oh bother, here comes old Frank again…

**Frank the Town Idiot: --**_holding barrel around naked self while shouting random things-- _Death! I see death of young love! Cruel, cruel fate I see!

**Barney: --**_aside, to Billy-- _You know, I heard he was never the same since the Super Bowl.

**Billy: **Tragic, isn't it? --_sees Benny and Bruce, servants of Capulet-- _Uh-oh, here they come.

**Benny: --**_speaking with thick Chicago accent--_ Hey dere, ya stinkin' piles 'a colt poo. What're ya doin' here?

**Bruce: --**_same accent--_ Yeah, dis here's Bear country! Clear out!

**Barney: **Must we argue this again?

**Bruce: **Sure do, it keeps da plot movin'. --_draws sword--_ C'mon, bring it.

**Benvolio: --**_appears out of nowhere, seemingly just now leaving the Hippie House--_ Hey, dudes, what's goin' on?

_Benny, Bruce, Billy, and Barney fight._

Woah, whoa, whoh, dudes! Chill out, make love, not war!

**Billy: --**_sucker-punches Benvolio--_ You just spelled 'whoa' three different ways, n00b!

_Prince arrives with crowd in a little red Corvette with a bumper sticker with the little sign he changed his name to._

**Prince: --**_feminine "ooo"--_ What is… _dramatic pause_ going on around here, citizens of Verona?

**Benvolio: --**_stumbles to feet-- _Like, I can tell you everything, dude…

**Billy: --**_sucker-punches Benvolio again--_ Look, these guys all just came in here and started going off on us!

_Crowd grows restless. Prince raises his hand to silence them._

**Prince: **For too long has this been plaguing our streets. --_feminine "ooo"--_ Your families haven't ceased their quarreling since the Patriots won the last Super Bowl…

**Barney: --**_aside--_ The Eagles were ripped.

**Prince: **This is the… --_dramatic pause--_ third time I've had to stop your street brawls. I'm afraid that's grounds for…

_Enter Supernanny, who flies in on an umbrella._

**Supernanny: **It is grounds for a five minute time-out! To the Naughty Chair in the Bad Boy corner you go, now!

**Montague/Capulet: **Awww… -_do as they're told-_

**Prince: -**_whacks Supernanny on head with guitar-_ Now, for the rest of you, _feminine "ooo"_ leave, on pain of death!

_Crowd slowly clears, and Prince drives away, singing "Purple Rain" as he does so._

**Frank the Town Idiot: **The sky is falling! These shoes rule! Those shoes suck! There's a llama, here's a llama, llama llama llama DUCK!

_Exeunt_

**To Be Continued...**

* * *

Erilis: xD As you guys can see, this is actually written as a play. I felt it made it more similar to the actual play itself. Well, the story behind this is centered around my Adv. English class, where we had to read _The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet_. I felt it made little to no sense, so I decided...

Diego: To make it make even less sense?

Erilis: Exactly. Plus, I just thought up some stuff and wrote it down. This might not be as well written as Shakespeare, but it may just be slightly entertaining. Read and review, folks!


	2. Juliet's Got ADD?

**Act I, Scene ii**

_Enter Paris and Capulet, both are returning from parties much earlier._

**Capulet**: -_staggers_- Wow… -_hiccup_- Great partay, eh?

**Paris**: -_also staggering, but singing _way_ off tune_- Shake ya money-maka like somebody gonna pay ya…

**Capulet:** Ya know I got it if ya wanna come get it, stand next ta this money like-

**Capulet/Paris:** 'AY, 'AY, 'AY! -_burst into laughter_-

**Capulet: **-_sitting down_- You know what we need?

**Paris: **A way to pay off the mob for this month?

**Capulet: **Naw… More drinks! Man-slave! Get more alcoholic beverages that are obviously connected to irresponsible behavior and choices!

_They drink, for hours on end._

**Paris: **-_drinking 27th shot- _Capulet… your daughter's, lyk, ttly hawt, man…

**Capulet: **_-more drunk than Tara Reid ever thinks about being-_ I know, right? _–hiccup- _Ya know, I've been thinkin' a lots about marriage…

**Paris: **O.o Eh… I ain't that way, Cappy…

**Capulet: **Naw, Juliet, not me! How'd ya like to get hitched to 'er?

**Paris: **ORLY?

**Capulet: **YARLY!!

**Paris: **LYK SRSLY?!

**Capulet: **LOLSRSLY!!

**Paris: **OMG!

**Capulet: **YAOMG!!

**Paris: **OMG TAT ROX MAH SOX!!

**Capulet: **YAY LOLZ!!!

**Paris: **ROFL!!

**Capulet: **LMBO!!

**Paris: **LYK RLY TTLY SRSLY???

**Capulet: **LOLZ NO!!11 SHES LYK, 2 YUNG!

**Paris: **Poo…

**Capulet: **Tell you what, though, dawg. I'll throw this kick-butt party at my crib tomorrow night, and you can… eh… "woo her". Word?

**Paris: **Word, Cappy mah Dawgie dawg. –_complicated handshake-_

_Enter Juliet, who is chasing a butterfly that somehow got inside._

**Paris: **O.o Uh…

**Capulet: **Ah, here's my Juliet! Sweetie, this is Count Paris. Be a good girl and curtsy for your future husband.

**Juliet: **Dad, I'm like, thirtee- -_looks out window- _Oh! A pretty birdie!

**Capulet: **_-snaps his fingers to get Juliet's attention-_

**Juliet: **Oh! Pleased to meet you, Count Chocula!

**Paris: **What'd she just call-

**Juliet: **OOOH! A nickel!

**Capulet:** -_aside, to Paris- _She has a problem with her mind…

**Paris: **You never told me she had ADD… I WUV HER!!

**Capulet: **But… but… I wanted to throw a party! D _-does so anyway-_

_Exeunt_

* * *

Erilis: Here's Scene 2 for y'all. Hope you're still enjoying it!

Diego: Is... is Count Paris singing Money Maker?!


	3. Romeo's First Love

**Act I Scene iii**

_Enter Montague, Lady Montague, and Benvolio._

**Montague: **Where would young Romeo be at this hour?

**Lady Montague: **Oh, probably off crying about that Rosaline girl…

**Montague: **That little ho…

**Benvolio: **_-is still high-_ He's good at hiding, man. Wonder where he is?

**Romeo: **_-offstage- _Bani-SHED!

**Benvolio: **Like, found him. _–runs off-_

**Lady Montague: **Hm. And they said Tourettes was a bad thing.

**Montague: **Quacks, they all are.

_They exit, and scene changes to Romeo and Benvolio at a nearby fountain._

**Romeo: **_-crying like a depressed schoolgirl-_ Oh is love so cruel? Why won't she love me?

**Benvolio: **Maybe it's, like, the whole-

**Romeo: **_-interrupts- _Bani-SHED!

**Benvolio: **… That.

**Romeo: **I can't help that! Am I forever – bani-SHED! – cursed to not-love?

**Benvolio: **If it helps man, I haven't gotten a date since, like, 20 years ago.

**Romeo: **But… you're not even twenty…

**Benvolio: **Exactly. :D

**Romeo: **You're the worst – bani-SHED! – counselor EVUR!! _–runs away-_

**Benvolio: **Kid's hopeless. _–continues to smoke his stuff-_

**Romeo: **What does that hippie know anyway? He's never been in love… as I have. Bani-SHED!

**Benvolio: **_-catches up-_ Wait! I gots an idear! You can, like, go to this thingamajig goin' down at Capulet's!

**Romeo: **… You're kidding.

**Benvolio: **LOLZ NO! You can find someone else to stalk there.

**Romeo: **I am not a stalker!

**Benvolio: **Whatevs.

**Romeo: **Either way, I'll never love anyone so much as – OMG that is da – bani-SHED – purtiest rock I've ever seen! _–gets down on one knee in front of rock and brings out ring-_ Marry me, Rock?

**Rock: **O.o Uh, look! A distraction!

**Romeo: **Where?!

**Rock: **_-rolls away-_

**Romeo: **Rock? Rock?! No! I thought what we had was _special!!!_

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: Okay. Lemme explain the 'bani-SHED' right quick. See, the tape we were listening to as we read along said 'banished' as 'bani-shed', and it always either A: Got on our nerves or B: Cracked us up. So, I figured since Juliet has ADD, Romeo could have a mild Tourettes that makes hims say 'bani-SHED' over and over again. xP_

_Diego: You're gonna get hate mail... R&R..._


	4. What They SAW on the Way

Act I, Scene iv 

_Enter __Romeo, Benvolio, __Mercutio, and __Mercutio's Women__. They're all dressed up for the party, except for __Mercutio__. It cramps his style, dawg._

**Benvolio**: Man, I'm gonna be so wasted!

**Romeo**: You are anyway.

**Mercutio**: He's right, dawg. _–tips pimp hat-_ You're wasted whether ya go or not.

**Romeo**: Bani-SHED! Why are we going to this again?

**Mercutio's Woman #1**: It keeps the plot moving.

**Mercutio**: Yeah. What she said. _–to other Women-_ Why can't y'all be as smart as… eh… her?

**Mercutio's Women #'s 2 and 3**: We're sorry!

**Romeo**: You know – bani-SHED!! – I have the strangest feeling we're being watched… followed, too…

**Mysterious Stranger**: _-knocks all out cold and drags them away-_ HA HA HA!!

_Scene changes to old bathroom-like room. There is a television in the wall, and __Romeo__Benvolio__Mercutio__, and his __Women__ are all in death traps while unconscious._

**Benvolio**: _-stirs and notices head-chopper-offer-_ I'm trippin' man!

**Romeo**: _-wakes up and sees foot-cutter-offer-_ Bani-SHED!

**Mercutio**: _-has gun pointed at face-_ I'm gonna be the next 50 Cent! D

_**Mercutio's Women**_: _-tied up over moving saws-_ What's going on?!

_Television flickers and shows an episode of "Scrubs". More static and Jigsaw appears onscreen._

**Romeo**: _-screaming like little girl-_ Who are you?

**Jigsaw**: Hello, Shakespearean characters. What you are wearing will trigger in 60 seconds unless you find the key to that box over there.

**Benvolio**: I'm soberin' up after this! _–glances at hole in wall-_ Dude… is that a rabbit?

**Romeo**: o.O Lay off it, Benvo- - bani-SHED!

**Benvolio**: No, seriously dude, BUNNY!

_Enter white rabbit with black top of head, red eyes, and red swirls on cheeks, holding key to box._

**Jigsaw**: No! Mr. Snickers!

**Mercutio**: Hand ovah the key, Mr. Snickers! _–takes key from __Snickers__, scooting over to box and unlocking-_

_The box opens and five tons of confetti flies out and smacks __Mercutio__ in the face_.

**Jigsaw**: D'oh! Mr. Snickers ruined the surprise! Happy birthday, Mercutio!

**Mercutio**: Aw, you remembered! D

**Jigsaw**: It was nothing. Get to your party now.

_Traps release them and they proceed to party._

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: I had to type this chapter up right on the spot. So yay! New update!_

_Diego: ... Saw?!_

_Erilis: R&R, y'all!_


	5. Chuck Norris Saves the Day

Act I, Scene v 

_They've all arrived at the party, getting' down with' their bad selves. __Tybalt__Juliet__'s cousin (and known crack addict) is nearby, watching the Montague bunch come in._

**Tybalt:** Montagues! They're here to steal my stash! I must warn Uncle Cappy… -_runs off to find __Capulet__-_

_Scene moves to Capulet and party guests; Capulet is trying to convince ladies not to leave._

**Capulet: **Why would you want to leave now? There's Coke, Pepsi… Johnny Depp…

**Ladies: **_-scream and run back inside-_

**Capulet: **Works every time… _-sinister laugh-_

_Enter Stevens, an employee of Erilis's high school that apparently has an obsession with the Chicken Dance, announcing party happenings._

**Stevens: **Alright people, let's get them wings a-flappin'! It's time for the Chicken!

_Cue the Chicken Dance theme song._

**Romeo: **Why in the wor- bani-SHED! – are we doing this?

**Mercutio's Woman #2: **'Cause it's fun!

**Mercutio: **D I –heart- yoo… _-pimp-slaps __Women #'s 1 and 3__-_ Learn from Patty!

**Mercutio's Woman #2: **My name's not Patty, it is-

**Mercutio: **Shuddup and look pretty fo' me.

_Romeo looks across floor, sees Juliet, and falls head-over-heels._

**Juliet: **This party su- OMG cake! _–runs out of party hall to back room-_

**Romeo: **Bani-SHED! _–chases after __Juliet__, knocking __Tybalt__ over as he does so-_

**Tybalt: **You'll nevah find mah crack!

_Romeo finds Juliet in back room, covered in cake. She sees him, smiles, and they begin to make out. Enter Chuck Norris, who breaks them up._

**Unfortunate Souls Who Saw Them Make Out: **Thank you, Chuck Norris!

**Chuck Norris: **_-salutes-_ Thank you, Veronans. _–looks at __Juliet__- _For your actions of disturbing and scarring these partygoers for life, you will have to endure the trauma of childbirth.

**Juliet: **Oh no! I'll get faaaattt!! D

**Chuck Norris: **Don't worry. It won't show.

**Juliet: **Thank you, O merciful Chuck Norris!

**Chuck Norris: **Oh no… thank you… _-exits-_

**Romeo: **O.o Bani-SHED!

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: There. Another update. I'm doing pretty good, ain't I?_

_Diego: ... Why'd you throw Stevens in there?_

_Erilis: Eh, he's got a sense of humor and he really does seemingly have an obsession with the chicken dance. The better question is, "Why _not_?"_

_Diego: ... Read and review._


	6. The Balcony Scene

Act II, Scene i

_After exiting the party, Romeo decides to wuss out and not go home. Seeing as how he and Juliet apparently really hit it off, he goes to find her place and crash. Not wanting Mercutio or Benvolio to find him, he hides in a tree as they pass. Enter all those guys, with Romeo hiding in a tree. Like an adorable squirrel monkey._

**Benvolio: **So, where do you, like, think he is?

**Mercutio: **_-scoffs-_ Hidin' from Queen Mab.

**Benvolio: **… Heh?

**Mercutio: **You know, Queen Mab? The pimpinest, hippinest, bestinest "female companion" this side a' Italy. She comes by in her big pink Cadillac, all hoppin' and jumpin', showin' up yo' bling-bling, askin' fo' yo' pocketbook, and-

**Benvolio:** Like, no details, dude. 'Sides, that was supposed to be in the first act, last scene.

**Mercutio: **I know that. I ain't no district attorney.

**Benvolio: **… District… wha?

**Mercutio: **_-rolls eyes-_ A DA? I'd say the word, but they's virgin ears listenin'.

_Mercutio points pimp cane at tree Romeo his hiding in, but doesn't indicate that they know where he is. Mercutio and Benvolio pass on, laughing about random things. Romeo is still in the tree, getting splinters._

**Romeo: **He jests at scars he- bani-SHED!!!

_Romeo finally climbs the tree to hop over a fence into someone's yard, which he thinks is Juliet's. Moments later, Romeo is seen struggling back over a fence, clothes ripped and dirtied in many places, while he's screaming 'Bad dog!' over and over again. He soon finds himself lost._

**Romeo: **D'oh, it seems I have lost - bani-SHED! – my way yet again. Oh, how I wish I had some way of finding my way!!

_Enter __Andy Samberg__ and __Chris Parnell__, the SNL actors responsible for 'Lazy Sunday'._

**Andy: **_-rapping-_ Yo Romeo, use MapQuest to get directions!

**Chris: **_-also rapping-_ Else your lady gets suspicious!

**Andy: **Maybe he should use the best!

**Chris: **Like Google Maps…

**Andy: **That's a yes!

_Andy and Chris exit, leaving Romeo alone. He looks over to his left and sees giant stone wall, which he proceeds to climb. He finds himself in Capulet's orchard, and sees Juliet daydreaming on her balcony._

**Romeo: **Holy CRAP she's fine! It's like she's a sun, and that way there's east. … Wait, better check that.

_Romeo uses a compass to make sure it is, in fact, the eastern direction._

**Romeo: **Aww… southwest. Well, anyway… _-clears throat-_ Just by looking at her, it's like she's talking, but… not to me.

_Juliet, in fact, is talking to someone. She's leaning on her balcony, laughing as she talks to someone on her cell phone. Suddenly, she glances up at the wall, and hangs up on her poor friend._

**Juliet: **OMG A SPIDERZ!!! I IZ GUNNA B A SPIDRMANZZZ!!

_Juliet holds finger toward spider, and Romeo watches on._

**Romeo: **Bani-SHED!

**Juliet: **_-startled-_ OMG!! Who's there?!

**Romeo: **_-waves-_ Hi.

**Juliet: **_-holds hands over self, even though she's fully clothed-_ Lyk, hw did u no wer i liv?11!!!

**Romeo: **… Looked it up?

**Juliet: **_-distracted-_ Butterfly!

**Romeo: **_-climbs up tree to reach balcony-_ Like I planned to – bani-SHED! – Say… Hey, whoo-hoo, over here. -_snaps fingers to get __Juliet__'s attention-_ You are, like, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen…

**Juliet: **_-swept off her feet-_ Oh Romeo… _-moves in for kiss-_

_As Romeo tries to kiss Juliet, he leans too far on the tree and falls out of it. He scrambles back up the tree, but falls off again. In that time, Juliet has already started trying to become a "SPIDERMANZZZ" again. When he finally climbs up, he gets her attention by throwing an apple at her._

**Romeo: **Now… where were we…

**Andy/Chris: **_-reappear-_ That's why you need Google Maps! _–disappear-_

**Juliet: **What they said.

**Romeo: **Kiss meh alreadeh!

_They both move in to kiss again, but just as they nearly get there…_

**Romeo: **Bani-SHED!!

_Juliet__ screams and falls over balcony wall, face-first._

**Nurse: **Juliet? Juuuulliiiieeettt! Juliet!

**Romeo: **She think you're deaf or something?

**Juliet: **_-recuperates and climbs back up to balcony-_ No, she has OCD. She says everything three times.

**Romeo: **Okay. I'm gonna – bani-SHED! – Find a friar to arrange our kickin' awesome wedding. Sound good?

**Juliet: **_-distracted again-_ Look! Cricket!

**Romeo: **… Taking that as a yes.

Exeunt.


	7. Friar Oprah's Decision

**Act II, Scene ii**

_Enter Friar Oprah, running through her garden with Legions of Women following after her. She is examining the herbs therein._

**Friar Oprah: **_-sniffs a flower-_ Now this here's a keeper! -_places flower in basket-_

**Legions: **_-screaming wildly-_ We love that flower!

**Friar Oprah: **As you should. Now then… OH!!! Look at this one… Surely there are none greater than this herb. -_turns to Legions- _And you get one, and you get one… EVERYONE GETS A HERB!!!!111 -_throws herbs out at Legions-_

**Legions: **_-faint-_

**Friar Oprah: **Okay now… let's see… Oh, this one would do fabulously in a coma stew! Just drop a dash of this in there, and VOILA, a death-like coma sure to scare the bajeepers out of your family! Oh, the miracles of nature!

_Enter Romeo, pushing aside the fainted Legions. He is out of breath and sweaty and ew. He approaches Friar Oprah and tips her shoulder. Romeo immediately dies._

**Friar Oprah: **Whoops! Looks like he came too close now, huh ladies?

_The Legions wake up and agree, before fainting again. Shaking her head, Friar Oprah waves her hands over Romeo and he is brought back to life. He hastily thanks her for being so merciful and kisses her hand. He dies again. Friar Oprah then brings him back to life for a second time._

**Friar Oprah: **Now, if you'd stop touching me and my pwnsomeness, we could get somewhere! Where've you been, Romeo?

**Romeo: **Bani-SHED! I have been at Juliet's crib, dawg.

**Friar Oprah: **You mean the little Capulet girl? Ooohhh... I've got bad feelin's 'bout this.

**Romeo: **How come?

**Friar Oprah: **It's been two or less days since you were lovesick over the little ho.

**Romeo: **... You mean Rosaline?

**Friar Oprah:** _-zaps Romeo-_ She will be what I want her to be! _-evil glare-_

_Romeo remains passed out on the ground, fried to a crisp. After a while, Friar Oprah feels pity and un-zaps him._

**Friar Oprah: **Well, if you are in love with this young lady, I suggest you look under your feet.

_Romeo does as he is told, screaming and pulling out a book from under his feet. It is an Oprah-approved book, officially one she reccomends for her book club._

**Romeo: **Bani-SHED! It's an actual real-live Oprah book:D

**Friar Oprah: **That will tell you all you need to know... unless, of course, it is full of lies! _-shifty eyes-_ Young Romeo, I will marry you two...

**Romeo: **o.O

**Friar Oprah: **_-zaps him again-_ Not what I meant! I will conduct the ceremony just to end that little feud your fathers have going on. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and hunt down that fool that thinks he can slip a faulty memoir under MY nose!

_Friar Oprah exits, in an enraged huff. Somewhere else in the world, some random author dies. Romeo stares after Friar Oprah, before screaming 'Bani-SHED' and walking away._

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: Behold, the power of Friar Oprah! PH33R H3R!!_

_Diego: Ack. Chat-speak. x.x_

_Erilis: Now then, I do hope there are plenty of reviews! -winkwink- I thank all of you for reviewing. I didn't expect that many, much less that many _good_ reviews! It makes me cry tears of joy... -sniffsniff- Now then, after my heartfelt thanks... R&R!_


	8. Mean Ol' Mercutio

**Act II, Scene iii**

_Enter Mercutio and Benvolio, who are following Mercutio's Women. They come to a busy town intersection, where Benvolio is almost ran over by Lindsay Lohan. He dodges, thankfully, and they continue on._

**Benvolio: **Thought she was, like, in rehab, man...

**Mercutio: **That's just what the man wants ya ta think. -_tips pimp hat with pimp cane- _Now then, where ya think Romeo ran off to? Billy said he didn't come home last night. Y'know, I'm bettin' he's still off cryin' 'bout that Rosaline. He ain't got no reason to cry; she's the town bicycle, fer Pete's sake!

**Benvolio: **... What's, like, a bicycle?

**Mercutio:** I don't know. Pro'lly somethin' the man tells ya to do.

**Benvolio: **Got some note last night, too. You know Tybalt? _-Mercutio nods-_ Yeah, well, he challenged Romeo to some kinda duel thing.

**Mercutio: **A duel? _-laughs hysterically-_ Man, Romeo's good 's dead. He's already halfway there, if he's still interested in _her._ I'd say he don't stand a chance.

**Benvolio: **I, like, don't know, man... You seen Romeo with a Wii remote? Dude pwned me in boxing last week.

**Mercutio: **Man, Tybalt's all, fancy, and practiced. I should know. Patty's the one who sells him his stuff.

_Offstage, Mercutio's Woman # 1 yells, "My name's not Patty!", which Mercutio promptly ignores. He goes on to say that he questions Tybalt's 'preference', just because he is also the fashionable sort._

**Benvolio: **Harsh, man.

_Enter Romeo, who is all happy-happy-joy-joy._

**Romeo: **Bani-SHED! Hello, friends! Lovely weath-

**Mercutio: **There he is, ya lovestruck schoolgirl! _-acts all girly-_ Ooh, lookie me, I'm Romeo, and I luuuuuuv Rosaline! Did I tell ya what I did to 'er last night?

**Romeo: **o.O

**Mercutio: **_-laughs and pats Romeo's shoulder-_ Man, what was with leavin' us last night? You abandoned us to be gunned down like Tupac... _-aside- _Rest in peace, brotha.

**Romeo: **I got sidetracked by a couple of.. - bani-SHED! - ... SNL actors who started rapping at my face. Sorry.

_Enter the Nurse, who is followed by Peter Griffin, a fat man with glasses. Peter immediately begins laughing in that weird "heheheheheheheeee" way at the way everyone else is dressed._

**Nurse: **Hello! Hello! Hello! Do any of you know Romeo?

**Romeo: **Me, Miss.

_Nurse hurriedly rushes over and hugs Romeo three times, nearly strangling him three times. He falls over, gasping for breath, and Peter stares._

**Peter: **This is like the time I kickboxed the chicken...

**Mercutio: **Weeeeellll, Romeo! What a fine lady you've got there:D You finally gettin' in the pimpin' business? Toldya it was worth it!

**Nurse: **Well, I never! _-punches Mercutio three times in the face-_ Well, well, well, since you're Romeo...

**Benvolio: **Me and Mercutio'll like, go to dinner. See you there.

**Romeo: **_-staggering to his feet-_ Be right there.

_Benvolio and Mercutio exit, with Mercutio's Women following behind from nowhere in particular._

**Nurse:** Now I hope you're not going to cheat on little Juliet... I'll kill you if you do. And then I'll kill you again, and then once more.

**Romeo: **O.O I promise, I won't. Look, tell Juliet... - bani-SHED! - ... to go to Friar Oprah's mansion this afternoon. We'll get married and go have an awesome honeymoon. Easy.

**Nurse: **Okay! Okay! Okay! I'll tell her. I'll even put a ladder outside her window on your wedding night so you all can... you know, you know, you know. _-winks three times-_

**Romeo: **... Creepy. But really nice of you.

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: I know, I know, I probably messed the Nurse's OCD up. Well, you get the gag, though._

_Diego: You tried. 'Sall that matters._

_Erilis: Well then, I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as some others. I know it wasn't near as good as some others... not tooting my own horn, of course, but you know it. R&R!_


	9. The Nurse Learns a Lesson

**Act II, Scene iv**

_Scene changes to Juliet's bedroom, where she is waiting for words from the Nurse. Enter Nurse, who comes in all out of breath, yet very very giddy at the same time._

**Juliet: **homgzz!! Nurse, what news do you bring from my... uhhhh... Ryan?

**Nurse:** Romeo, Romeo, Romeo.

**Juliet:** Whatever. Fact is, I love him. So what did he say?

**Nurse**: Calm down, calm down, calm down! Can't ya see I'm out of breath? Read the stage directions, you ignorant-

**Juliet: **_-distracted-_ Look at the birdie!

**Nurse: **Why, yes, yes, yes, it is a very lovely birdie... wait, what am I talking about? I have news from Raphael!

**Juliet: **You mean Romeo.

**Nurse: **_-scoffs three times before adding in a singsongy voice- _I thought it didn't maaaattterrrr!

**Juliet: **_-takes a walking stick from the nearby chest and begins repetitively beating the Nurse with it-_ Tell. Me. What. He. Sa...

_Juliet pauses for a moment and stops beating Nurse. She stares at the stick, then looks back to the Nurse, then back to the stick again. After a moment, she gasps in realization._

**Juliet: **That is the most _delicate _craftsmanship I have _ever_ seen!

**Nurse: **_-twitchtwitchgasp-_

**Juliet: **_-suddenly concerned again about the Nurse-_ OMG! I am soooo soo sorry! I- _-looks out window- _Hey, the circus is here!! Tell me later, mmkay Nursie-Wersie?

_Juliet exits, running out to her balcony and diving off headfirst. We hear a loud crashing and clanging sound, as well as Juliet's faint, "I'm okay." The Nurse continues to twitch and moan, and Capulet enters the room. He begins to speak to the people in the room, but, realizing that the only one there is a badly injured elderly woman he's hired for a really really long time, he stops his words and begins to back away. Very slowly. Until he leaves the room. Hours pass, and the lighting fades into a sunsettish light. Enter Juliet again, holding a stick of cotton candy in one hand and a giant teddy bear in the other._

**Juliet: **_-with a mouthful of cotton candy- _I met with Ramses out at the circus. He told me all about it. Don't bother to tell me all that stuff.

_Juliet flops down on her bed and continues eating her sugary treat, before finding a book on her nightstand and trying to read. Every now and then she looks up in a random direction and comments on something she had "never noticed" before. The Nurse continues to twitch and eventually just passes out. Minutes later, after a long period of silence, Juliet closes her book and gets off her bed, picking up the walking stick as she walks toward the Nurse. The curtain falls as she pokes the Nurse with the tip of the stick, laughing hysterically as she does so._

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: Finally got to the next part of the Parody! -dances- Oh yeah, sorry this one wasn't as great as the others. Again. But hey, it was still funny, right? Right?_

_Diego: You've probably lost all your fans. All twenty or so. Good job._

_Erilis: -crycrysob- Read and review, plz!!_


	10. Chuck Norris vs Friar Oprah

**Act II, Scene v**

_Scene changes to Friar Oprah's cell, which is a dank, cold place with black stone walls and many bleachers, to seat the Legions of Women who watch her every move. Romeo is waiting with Friar Oprah, nervously anticipating Juliet's arrival. In fact, he is way too nervous... All is silent for a moment until Friar Oprah warily glances at Romeo._

**Friar Oprah: **Uhm...

**Romeo: **...

**Friar Oprah: **I'm guessing...

**Romeo: **Bani-SHED!

**Friar Oprah: **... Why are your shoes wet? ... Oh no, you did not...

**Romeo: **_-grins bashfully and slips away into the shadows-_

**Friar Oprah: **No one defies the wrath of Friar Oprah by wee-weeing on her floor! GAHARHARHARHARHAHR!!!!!!!!

_Total chaos ensues as many of the Legion is killed by Oprah's terrifying zap, the rest of them applauding her power. Romeo continues to hide, cowering like a baby in the corner until she's vented enough. Friar Oprah calmly smiles and makes a car appear out of thin air._

**Friar Oprah: **Congratulations on your upcoming marriage, Romeo. _-smiles sweetly-_ It is made with the best things I can give you...

**Romeo: **_-timidly sneaks from out of corner-_ What are they, Friar Oprah?

**Friar Oprah: **The heart and brain of Chuck Norris...

_Silence falls again on the set, as the lights go out suddenly. The sound of a kick to the face is heard, and Friar Oprah's voice is audibly begging for mercy from her attacker. Romeo is screaming his little 'bani-SHED!!' thing during the event, and after five straight minutes of violent sounds, the lights return. Friar Oprah is gone, Romeo left alone with Chuck Norris. He is wearing Friar Oprah's habit, and is smiling heroically._

**Romeo: **_-voice shaking-_ W-w-w-what'd you d-d-d-do to Friar Oprah??!!

**Chuck Norris: **_-points to another car- _Congratulations, Romeo.

_Romeo flees in fright, the floor behind him becoming wet as well. He is screaming 'bani-SHED' as he runs, and Juliet enters with the Nurse, who is in an electric wheelchair-scooter-thingy. She stares at Chuck Norris a moment, before remembering where he was last seen._

**Juliet:** You mah babeh-daddeh!

**Chuck Norris: **_-nods-_ I am, Juliet. And now I hold the power of your marriage in my hands.

**Juliet: **ur ssoooooo kewl.

_The Nurse's wheelchair-scooter-thingy beeps three times in reply._

**Juliet: **_-distracted-_ Hey, Ralph isn't here.

**Chuck Norris: **Romeo, Juliet.

**Juliet: **No, it's just Juliet.

**Chuck Norris: **Yes, but his name is Romeo.

**Juliet: **Who?

**Chuck Norris: **... Do not question me.

**Juliet: **Mmkay. _-distracted- _HEY!! It's Romeo!

_Romeo runs back onstage, screaming 'bani-SHED' even still. He sees Chuck Norris, almost flees again, then sees Juliet and the Nurse. At first appalled by the Nurse's apparent physical state, he quickly ignores and gets over it and begins to make out with Juliet. Unfortunately, this angers Chuck Norris._

**Chuck Norris: **_-ahem-_

**Romeo/Juliet: **_-obediently stop-_

_The wedding ceremony begins, a solemn occasion that contrasts everything that had just happened. After it is over, Romeo and Juliet begin to make out again. This time, Chuck Norris is pleased._

**Chuck Norris: **My work here is done. _-flies away-_

_All stand in silence as they watch Chuck Norris fly away._

**Romeo: **... _-whispers-_ Everyone make a wish...

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: Yay for Chuck Norris!_

_Diego: Don't forget your special fan this week._

_Erilis: Ah yes! Kila, my good friend, how long has it been since we've actually conversed? I am most grateful for your reviews (though, when I saw, like, ten things in my inbox I was hoping ten different people had reviewed), and will continue to do such for yours. And don't be silly... your stuff is way better than mine. Everyone, go read Spiritual Wolf's stuff. Right now. Or else Chuck Norris will kill you._

_Diego: ... And read and review ours._


	11. BaniSHED For Realz

**Act III, Scene i**

_The curtain opens after a half-hour intermission (since we all know nobody gets up to pee just because they know the play will start without them, so they never go), revealing a very crowded Veronan street. After about fifteen minutes of nothing but people walking across stage (just to make 'em even more upset) Mercutio and Benvolio enter. Both are staring at something._

**Benvolio: **It's, like, sooooooooo hawwwwwwtttttt...

**Mercutio: **Man... I know, ain't it?

**Benvolio: **Dude, we should, like, go inside. If a Capulet guy shows up while we're, like, here, we're gonna shoot 'im for sure.

**Mercutio: **I know. Man, anybody'd shoot anybody for a ride like dat.

_A ginormous Cadillac bouncing up and down on hydraulics rolls in, spinning rims on the wheels and peace signs on the rest of the body. There's a hot-tub on top, and it has pwnsome cupholders... on the rearview mirrors._

**Benvolio: **It's like, like, it was made for us, bro...

_The car's four doors open, and out step Three Druggies and Tybalt, the latter smiling wildly._

**Tybalt: **Like it? _-strokes sideview mirror-_ It's a year 4004,4940,4875,8372gazillion model. How awesome is that?

**Mercutio: **How'd you afford dat? o.O

**Tybalt: **... Let's just say... _-shifty eyes- ... _the government shouldn't know...

**Benvolio: **... _-begins to sneak away- ... -whispers- _I'll call the cops...

**Tybalt: **Now then. Dang dirty hippie, Playa-In-The-Management-Profession...

**Mercutio: **PIIII-UUMMMP. (:

**Tybalt: **I must have a word with both of you. Where is your friend Ro-

**Romeo: **_-offstage-_ Bani-SHED!!

**Tybalt: **Nevermind.

_Enter Romeo, who is covered in lipstick prints and has one bootprint in his hind-end. Mercutio asks where that last one came from, but he doesn't answer, saying 'He'll do it again' if he tells._

**Romeo: **And this time, I won't live...

**Mercutio: **... A'ight.

_Tybalt laughs in mockery and points, which is very very rude. Romeo noticeably angers, but keeps calm, because his marriage to Juliet makes him related to Tybalt (much as he and the rest of the Capulet family would like to disown him). After a while, Tybalt pulls out a gun._

**Romeo: **Bani-SHEDDDD!! What the heck, man?!

**Tybalt: **_-stares at gun for, like, ten minutes- _I 'unno. But draw your sword, Romeo... prepare to DIEEEEEEEEE!!!

**Romeo: **But... but I can't fight him... he's my cousin...sorta... not really... aw, forget it.

_Romeo pulls out his own gun, fires at Tybalt, but is shocked when it backfires and somehow manages to hit Mercutio. Don't know how. Just does. Mercutio does this big, dramatic, extravagant death-pose, then collapses. Benvolio falls with him, holding Mercutio in his arms and weeping like a little girl._

**Mercutio: **When you look for me tomorrow, you shall find me a... a... a... a.. a...

**Benvolio: **Spit it out, man!! A what?!

**Mercutio: **_-slaps Benvolio-_ Wussy... -_returns to original statement- ... _a very grave man... _-coughhackdie-_

**Romeo: **_-looks up to the sky, holds up hands, and screams-_ WHYYYYYYYYY??????????!!!!

**Mercutio's Women #'s 1, 2, and 3: **_-weeping-_ NOOOOO!! We're unemployed!

**Tybalt: **o.o Shoot.

_Tybalt tries to flee, but is stopped when Prince enters in the little red Corvette, smoking a cigarette and clothed only in a bathrobe and a towel around his head. Unfortunately, Tybalt is ran over, feet hanging out from underneath the Corvette. After being discovered by a very apathetic Prince, his feet curl up all Wicked-Witch-of-the-East style, and two pairs of ruby slippers are left. When he thinks no one is looking, Prince takes the slippers and hides them in his bathrobe._

**Prince: -**_feminine 'ooo'-_ How dare you interrupt my bubble bath with my eighty women with this abrupt plot twist?! It is an outrage!!_ -femenine 'ooo'-_

**Mercutio's Woman #1: **_-looks at other two- _... I found a job, I don't know about you guys.

_Enter Lady Capulet, who is showing up for the first and probably last time in the spoof. Let's face it; this is the only place she's good. Sort of._

**Lady Capulet: **ROMEO KILLEDED TYBALT DED!!! _-weepweepcrycrysobsob-_

**Prince: **Is this... _-dramatic pause- _... true?

**Romeo: **... bani-SHED... _-shoves gun in nearby dog's mouth and runs away, screaming-_ HEDIDIT!!!

_The entire crowd looks at the dog, before an enraged Prince finally gives his sentence._

**Prince: **This dog is hereby... _-dramatic pause- ..._ sentenced to death! Kill it!

**Old Yeller Kid: **It's my dog, your highness... _-teartearcry- _I'll do it.

_The Old Yeller Kid takes the gun from the dog, then leads him out of town._

**Prince: **As for Romeo...

**Lady Capulet: **HE KILLEDED TYBALT DED!!! _-weepweepcrycrysobsob-_

**Prince: **... Yes. I guess so. For that, he is banished from Verona. If he is found, he is to be... _-dramatic pause- _... force-fed my pancakes. _-holds up giant tray of pancakes and a fork-_ Eat up Romeo. _-maniacal laughter-_

**Benvolio: **_-to person next to him- _Wasn't I supposed to, like, do something important here?

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: Yay for R&J updates! -confetti- I hope this one will suffice for your cravings of crazy Shakespoofian humor._

_Diego: ... 'Shakespoofian'? Even I don't say stupid stuff like that!_

_Erilis: Read 'n Review! -waves-_


	12. Juliet's Attention Holds for a Moment

**Act III, Scene ii**

_Enter the Nurse and Juliet, both in the latter's bedroom. Juliet is playing with another butterfly that got in the house (she can't figure out how to close her window) and the Nurse is in a wheelchair from her previous assault. She is also out of breath from having to wheel herself to and from outside and in, what with the Capulet family being too cheap to buy her a motorized one._

**Nurse: _-_**_panting-_ Juliet! Juliet! Juliet! I... I... I...

**Juliet: **_-stops playing with the butterfly-_ Nurse! Whatever is wrong?

_The Nurse indicates that she is out of breath and that Juliet needs to wait until she is able to say something before she speaks. Juliet, fearing that the Nurse is mute due to some medical condition, screams and jerks her up from her wheelchair by the collarbone._

**Juliet: **Nurse! Nuuuururrrrrrrsssssseeee! Speak to me, Nurse!

**Nurse: **Stop, stop, stop! I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine!

_Juliet lets the Nurse back onto her wheelchair, then runs off to play with the butterfly again. The Nurse just watches, staring in a bit of shock. Eventually, the Nurse regains her breath, and begins a long lament._

**Nurse:** Oh, the agony! The cruelty of it all! How could he meet his end in such a way!

_Juliet looks away from her butterfly, taking notice of the Nurse's comments._

**Juliet: **Who? Who met his end in such a way?

**Nurse: **I can't believe it! He deserved to live so much longer! Oh, why, why, why...

**Juliet: **_-a little nervousness in her voice-_ Nursie? Who was it?

**Nurse: **Why, why, _why_ did he have to be shot?

**Juliet: **_-surprised, shocked, appalled gasp- _Someone killed Tupac?! How could they do such a thing! Oh, oh, Nursie! Tell me, why do people have to be so cruel in this world? Why can't they just let artists like Mr. Shakur live and prosper, and fill the world with hate-ridden lyrics and catchy rhythms?

**Nurse:** _-very, very, very confused and afraid-_ But, but, but...

**Juliet: **Oh, this world! So cruel and dastardly! What I would give to see him live again! Why, I cannot live anymore knowing that... _-looks away suddenly, seeing a set of Tupac CDs she had-_ OMG! The new ones! _-rushes over, not really aware that only moments ago, she thought he was dead-_

_The Nurse, very afraid for this situation, wheels away, before adding one last comment to reveal the truth: that Tupac was dead and that Tybalt now joined him._

**Juliet: **_-shocked gasp again-_ Now he's like Tupac! Who killeded him ded, Nursie?

_Juliet pursues the Nurse, catching her wheelchair and bringing her back in the room._

**Nurse: **Romeo, Romeo, Romeo.

**Juliet: **_-stops, looks around- _Where? I don't see him.

**Nurse: **No, no, no. Romeo killeded Tybalt ded, Sweetie. And Prince has banished him from Verona, on pain of being force-fed his pancakes. They're terrible, terrible, terrible!

**Juliet: **_-yet another shocked gasp-_ You mean Prince's pancakes aren't any good? I had some just the other day! They're delicious! So much for whatever you said. I'm off to go see Romeo. Can you get my kitty down from the tree? Thanks, Nursie. _-exit-_

_The Nurse stares at the tree just outside Juliet's window, the cat, a very fat one, hunched over a branch, foaming at the mouth. Still, though very very very very very very very afraid, she wheels forward, and the curtain falls with the sounds of a cat yowling and an old woman screaming._

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: Ouch. Poor Nursie._

_Diego: ... Why 'Nursie'? That's stupid._

_Erilis: Read and review!_


	13. Emo Kid

**Act III, Scene iii**

_Enter Friar Oprah and Romeo, with a few of the Legion of Women left from several more of Friar Oprah's outbursts of awesome power. Romeo is suddenly decked out in emo garb, including black clothes, hair in an emo fringe, and holding a camera taking pictures of himself at strange angles. This angers Friar Oprah._

**Friar Oprah: **Why are you being this disgusting thing? Being emo?

**Romeo: **Because - bani-SHED!!! - life sucks, Friar Oprah, Sir.

**Friar Oprah: **You lie! Life is grand, Romeo! Especially when you've got (_raises voice to a great yell_) moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!

_The roof opens and a flood of money pours from the ceiling. Romeo pops out of the top of the great mountain of moo-lah, in his normal clothes again._

**Romeo: **Wow, Friar Oprah! My life suddenly has meaning!

**Friar Oprah: **Good, because it's (_raises voice again to a great yell_) miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

_The lights go out, and when they return again, the money is all gone. Romeo is back in his emo outfit._

**Romeo: **Life sucks again. I can't even believe it; Prince banished _me_! Of all - bani-SHED!!! - people to banish, he banished-

**Some random guy: **BANI-SHED!

**Romeo: **Don't make me...

**Some random guy: **I'll kill you!

**Romeo: **_-sighs-_ ... He bani-shed me. I mean, what'd I do?

**Friar Oprah: **You killed someone.

**Romeo: **That doesn't mean anything!

_Overcome by grief, Romeo falls to the floor, crying and sobbing and reciting My Chemical Romance lyrics to himself. Friar Oprah shrugs and starts magically giving away cars to the Legion, before the Nurse enters. The Nurse is now wrapped up in bandaging, presumably from the cat she had to rescue in the previous scene. She is still in that crappy wheelchair._

**Nurse:** Friar Oprah, Friar Oprah, Friar Oprah!

**Friar Oprah: **Yeeeeeeeesssssss?

**Nurse:** Romeo, Romeo, Romeo. Is he hear, here, hear?

_After the Nurse misspells 'here' twice, Friar Oprah is angered and goes into another one of her outbursts of awesome power. All of the Legion are killed except for two, and those two idiots keep clapping. Finally, Friar Oprah calms down and starts the scene again._

**Friar Oprah: **He's right there, in the floor. The wheel of your wheelchair is on his neck.

**Nurse: **Oh! Oh! Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry! _-rolls off Romeo's neck-_

**Friar Oprah: **Romeo! I have an idea! Go hide in Miami for a while until I send someone your way for Prince to calm down. When you get my messenger, do what he says. For what he says is what I say. And what I say is (_voice changes to a rather dark, demonic sound_) LAWWWWWWWWW.

_Thunder and lightning; puppies flee._

**Romeo: **... Mmkay.

**Nurse: **Wait, wait, wait! Here, take this!

_The Nurse hands Romeo a CD, Tupac Shakur's name written on them. He stares at them for a moment, before screaming 'bani-SHED!!!'._

**Nurse: **It's from Juliet, Juliet, Juliet. She wants it to be a token of her love for you. 'Kay? 'Kay? 'Kay?

**Friar Oprah: **Now go, Romeo! And never return! ... Until I say!

_Romeo runs away in fear, and Friar Oprah glances at the Nurse._

**Friar Oprah: **Tell me... have you ever seen Chuck Norris?

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: There are many meanings to the question Friar Oprah asks. Can you find them?_

_Diego: Here's a hint, there aren't any._

_Erilis: SHUT UP! Read and review._


	14. BBQ Talk

**Act III, Scene iv**

_Scene is Capulet's backyard. There is a big barbecue going down, and Capulet is walking with Lady Capulet and Paris, talking about everyone there in a gossipy way. Finally, Paris brings up Juliet, and Lady Capulet is all happy all of a sudden._

**Lady Capulet: **JOOLEEYET WUVS JOO.

**Capulet: **Indeed, my love. Juliet will surely be an ideal bride for Paris. Tell me sir, do you still feel the same way?

**Paris: **She is my wuv, twoo wuv...

**Capulet: **... Yes. Well, I seem to have forgotten to ask my dear about how she feels about all of it. It does rack my brain with guilt...

**Paris: **Who cares? I'll pay you for it.

**Capulet: **This is true. Wait... you called her an 'it'...

**Paris: **So?

**Capulet: **... Will you seriously pay me?

**Paris: **UVKORSECAPPEEMAHHOMIEGEEDAWG.

**Capulet: **Excellent! My love, I wish for you to go and check on our Juliet. Would you?

**Lady Capulet: **OHTAY.

_Lady Capulet exits, and Capulet and Paris watch and laugh._

**Paris: **What possessed you to marry that woman?

**Capulet: **Same thing that's possessing me to let you wed Juliet.

**Paris: **My rock hard abs and cute buns?

**Capulet: **... No. Money. BUTANYWAY. I guess I will go ahead and assume Juliet will do anything I say, seeing as how there couldn't be anything getting in the way of your marriage. NOTHING IN DA WERLD.

**Paris: **_-snickers-_ Indeed, no secret marriages or anything...

**Capulet: **Secret marriages! How foolish!

_The two share a riotous laugh for about ten solid minutes, Capulet finally falling to the ground and rolling about, screaming ROFLCOPTERROFLWAFFLECOPTER, and Paris pointing and laughing, screaming OMGULOOOOOOSRRRRRR!!!!11_

**Capulet: **I am not a loser! _-punches Paris-_

**Paris: **Yes you are!

**Capulet: **NUH-UH.

**Paris: **YEA-HUH.

**Capulet: **NUH-UH. I'm gonna prove it, your wedding will be tomorrow!

**Paris: **Wednesday? But... _-shifty eyes-_ I have 'things' to attend to...

**Capulet: **... _-totally oblivious-_ Okay. Thursday then.

**Paris: **DATWERKS.

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: Enjoy the stupidity._

_Diego: Read and review._


	15. Suggestive Chapter

**Act III, Scene v**

_Dawn. Romeo climbs out of Juliet's bed, an obvious look of pure happiness on his face. He stands in a prideful stance: fists on his hips and thrusting his pelvis out (he is fully clothed, don't worry). Juliet gets out of bed (also clothed) and huggles him._

**Juliet: **Come back to beeeeeeeeeeeedddddededededddd.

**Romeo: **Bani-SHED! I cannot! Hear the lark, it sings for the coming of morning!

**Juliet: **That ain't no lark! It's Aaron Neville!

_Juliet points out the window, where Aaron Neville floats and sings happy little love songs. Both stand there for a while, smiling as they are enchanted by Neville's music. Eventually, an airplane flies too low and smacks Aaron Neville with its wing, knocking him away._

**Romeo: **o.o Well, so much for that.

**Juliet:** OMG A LARK. Romeo, you have to leave or else - HEY NURSIIIIIEEEEE!

_The Nurse wheels in on her new electric wheelchair (which seems to disappear and reappear throughout the play) and jumps out of it. She runs to Juliet and Romeo, hugs them three times, and starts screaming incoherantly (the phrases are repeated thrice)._

**Juliet: **Whatever is the matter, Nursie?

**Nurse: **AUFWIEDERSHNITZ! AUFWIEDERSHNITZ! AUFWIEDERSHNITZ!

**Juliet: **Uhm. What? Can you clear that up?

**Nurse: **DOMO-KUN! DOMO-KUN! DOMO-KUN!

**Juliet: **... Yeah, I'm not gettin' it.

**Nurse: **_-exasperated-_ YER MOM'S A COMIN', YER MOM'S A COMIN', YER MOM'S A COMIN'!

_By this time, Juliet's attention has wandered, and only Romeo hears. While Juliet is at the window checking out what remains of AaronNeville, she screams, "OMG he looks like a PANCAKE." Romeo then goes over, brings her back, and tries to tell her what the Nurse said._

**Romeo: **Juliet, the Nurse has said Lady - bani-SHED! - Capulet is coming! I have to get out of here or... I'll have to eat Prince's awful pancakes! DO YOU WANT THAT FOR ME?

**Juliet: **... Aaron Neville looks like a pancake! Go see!

_Juliet drags Romeo back to the window, and he looks (to humor her). He is disgusted by the sight, so he brings her back to the balcony._

**Romeo: **I'll see you some other day, Juliet. Until the next time?

**Juliet: **Heckyes. I'll add you on my Five.

**Romeo: **... Five?

**Juliet: **Mmhm. Y'know. Five.

_Juliet brings out her cell phone, and shows Romeo her T-Mobile Fave Five. He is surprised to see Chamillionaire, Domo-Kun, Your Mom, Oscar Wilde, and Chris Crocker. As he climbs and hangs off her balcony, he is puzzled._

**Romeo: **... Why do you have all them in your Five, but not me?

**Juliet: **Silly! Because you have Alltel. That means you suck!

_Juliet skips away, leaving Romeo there hanging on the ledge. He falls, landing in some rose bushes, and just... stays there. He doesn't move. He doesn't get up. He does not pass go. He does not collect $200._

_Meanwhile, Lady Capulet finally arrives in Juliet's room, and she promptly comes over and smacks her._

**Lady Capulet: **MOARN FOAR UR CUZIN TYBALT.

**Juliet: **'Kay. _-feigns mourning-_

**Lady Capulet: **_-fooled, lawlz- _OHTAY. NOW U MARRIEZ PARIZ.

**Juliet: **Uhhh. Why?

**Lady Capulet: **IT KEEPZ DA PLAWT MOOVIN. IZ N UR DADDEH DIZOAWN JOO IF JOO DUNT. PLUZ I H8 HIM.

**Juliet: **Mmhm. So do I. So much it makes me want to mess around with him. Yep. Hate him so much I wanna mess with his bad place. Wanna just plain _screw_ with him.

**Lady Capulet: **_-not getting the double entendres-_ ME TU. NAO MARRIEZ PARIZ OR IZ N UR DADDEH DIZOAWN JOO.

**Juliet:**... Is it that much ofa loss?

_Capulet enters suddenly, doing the macarena for reasons we'd probably best not get into. Lady Capulet immediately points at Juliet, and starts screaming at her husband._

**Lady Capulet: **JOOLIYETT DUN WANNA MARRIEZ PARIZ. PUHNICH HER NAO.

**Capulet: **'Kay. Juliet, I disown you. Kthnxbai.

_Capulet exits, and the Nurse throws a piece of candy out the door so Lady Capulet will follow it and allow herself to be shut out. Once this is done, Juliet's attention span maxes out and she runs back to the window to see Aaron Neville again. The Nurse brings her back, and explains everything._

**Nurse: **Juliet, Juliet, Juliet, perhaps it's time you settle, settle, settle. Paris makes a good match anyway, way, way, and Romeo's good 's dead, dead, dead.

**Juliet: **OMG HAO CAN U DU DIS TU MEEH? IM SO MIZUNDERSTUUD!

_Juliet cries and runs to the balcony, and proceeds to jump off. She starts running toward Friar Oprah's cell, with plans to make her help her._

**Juliet: **If this doesn't work, there's always Uraguay- HEY, TURTLE!

_Exeunt._

* * *

_Erilis: Enjoy, read and review._

_Diego: Oh, so you don't need me anymore? WAH._


End file.
